Positive Energy – How Do You Develop Assertiveness Skills?

Dear Anne

Can you believe I've been writing Positive Energy for three years now? During this time I've covered loads of topics and shared hundreds of tips, but there's one subject that always catches people's attention – and that's assertiveness.

I'm often contacted by people who have questions about assertiveness. It's such an important communication tool to have. That's why I thought I'd revisit it this month and share a new exercise designed to help you develop your assertiveness skills.

I guess the reason Positive Energy is still in circulation after three years is because the topics and exercises I write about apply to everyone. My circulation list is still growing – even after all this time, so if you know anyone who would enjoy a dose of Positive Energy in their inbox each month, don't forget to pass it on and tell them to subscribe for their own copy.

Please keep your comments and success stories coming in. I love hearing from you. You can email me or call me on 01697 747 821.

Best wishes,

We cannot always control our thoughts, but we can control our words, and repetition impresses the subconscious, and we are then master of the situation. - Florence Scovel Shinn Artist, Teacher and Author

Have you ever sent a text message and its meaning has been misconstrued by the recipient? It's easy for texts and emails to be misinterpreted. That's because the most important aspect of communication is body language – and that's obviously missing when you don't communicate in person.

Did you know that when you're talking to another person they're only focussing 7% of their attention on your words? They're focussing a massive 55% of their attention on your body language. The remaining 38% is on the tone of your voice.

That makes your body language and the volume, pitch and speed of your voice extremely important. Think about it – the sarcastic humour we Brits are renowned for only works if the message sent out by the voice and body over-rules the actual words being said.

If you want to assert yourself in a situation, you've got to make sure that your body language matches the words coming out of your mouth. Irrespective of how persuasive your words are, the person you're talking to is not going to take any notice of you if you murmur, look at the floor and shuffle your feet. Similarly, if you raise your voice and gesture wildly, your assertiveness will be misinterpreted as aggression.

The ability to assert yourself calmly and effectively is extremely useful. Even if you don't always win the argument or achieve your desired outcome, being assertive can preserve your self esteem, win respect and build your confidence. The good news is assertiveness is a skill we can all learn and develop.

Positive Practice

There are 5 simple tricks to asserting yourself. If you remember to apply them all, then with practice, your assertiveness skills will become more effective. Here they are:

Listen – You need to take on board what is being said. The other person will only pay attention to you if they think you've taken their argument on board.
Demonstrate understanding – Show that you think you know how they're feeling by summarising their point of view. Don't just say “I understand” - that isn't demonstrating understanding.
Say what you think and feel – Don't let the other person second guess how you're feeling. Banging doors, screaming and throwing tantrums will not help. Communicate your position clearly and calmly. Make sure you put the feelings bit in as well - it's the most powerful part of your message.
Say what you want to happen – Decide what your goal is and communicate it clearly. If you ask for the maximum, then you have room to negotiate.
Reach a joint solution – If there still remains a gap between what you want and what the other person wants, then you have to work out a joint solution. If you've achieved the other four steps calmly, then coming up with an agreeable solution shouldn't be too hard.

It can be difficult to get the words out initially, but once you've tried this approach a few times, it will start to come naturally. Before long you'll be entering all situations and potential confrontations with a new, calm and far more effective approach.

Melissa from Bedford wanted a holiday

Melissa attended one of my courses and she was in the middle of an issue over the family holiday. Her husband, children and she all wanted to do different things. They had reached an impasse and it was becoming easier not to discuss it. During the course she worked out what she wanted to say about the issue and where and when she would tackle her husband about it. She then practised this with other participants. The first time she tried, she literally couldn't get the words out. But after several goes she was sounding, looking and feeling really confident. A few weeks later I heard that she had raised the issue that very evening and the family had reached a really creative solution about how to spend their holiday time. Melissa felt much calmer and everyone in the family was happier.

What Can You Read?

A Woman in Your Own Right by Anne Dickson

Such clear step by step tools and so many real life examples

End the Struggle and Dance with Life by Susan Jeffers

The follow up to Feel the Fear. Every bit as good

I'm OK, You're OK by Thomas Harris

How to feel OK about yourself for more of the time

Blog Positive?

Taking Positive Steps

Lost Words – Again

What’s Happening?

Semta programme rolls out further

We have a second, even bigger tranche of money to support women working in science, engineering and manufacturing technology firms. Contact me now if you want to access subsidised workshops and coaching.

More Fresh Stepping

We have further Fresh Steps taster sessions in Manchester on:

4^th June 2-4pm

14^th July 2-4pm

The full course will run 22^nd/23^rd September and 28^th October. Contact Stuart on 0161 214 7106 to book your place on any of these events being held at NWEO.

Geography

In the last month I've delivered workshops in Liverpool, Newcastle, Stafford, Chelmsford, Leeds, Preston and Birmingham. I've coached team leaders, managers, production operatives, administrators and PAs. I've delivered one hour conference tasters, one day workshops and 5 day programmes. Wherever you are and whatever help and support you need around topics such as confidence, assertiveness and positivity, for women or older workers, I have a solution that will help. I only have a limited number of days left available this year, so call me now to schedule your course in 2009.

Next month we're going to look at how you can make the most of the people around you to enhance your life and make achieving your goals simpler and faster.