Positive Energy - Top Tips on How to Assert Yourself

May 2008

Dear Anne

I can't believe that I've been writing Positive Energy for over two years now! Time really flies when you're having fun. I'd like to say a big thank you to everyone who has been subscribing since the beginning and everyone who has joined us over that time. Thanks for reading and sending me your positive feedback.

One subject that always generates a lot of discussion on all my courses is ‘assertiveness'. People often struggle to stand up for themselves and say how they feel. This month I'm going to look at some of the problems a lack of assertiveness can cause and suggest some simple solutions.

We received a record number of sign-ups last month and, as promised, the reader who generated the highest number of sign-up will receive a voucher to be spent on Amazon. See the What Can You Read? section for my suggestions on some great reading.

Keep sending the newsletter on to friends and colleagues and let me know who you've sent it to. I know of people who have sent it to their hairdresser, their Mum and their boss!

Cheers,

Sue

“Success happens whenever you decide to do something and you DO IT. Or whenever you decide to NOT DO something and you DON'T do it. I know it sounds simple, but 99% of people can't even do just that!”

Kacper M. Postawski

Failing to be assertive can lead to all sorts of trouble. Not only will you find yourself saying ‘yes' to things that you don't really want to do, but it can leave you feeling angry and depressed. Have you ever gone over a situation in your mind thinking, “Why didn't I say that?” or “If only I'd done this.” Frustrating isn't it!

One of the main reasons for not changing passive behaviour is fear of the consequences. You might be afraid of offending someone. Or you might feel you're being selfish, or worry what people will think of you.

The outcome will depend on how you handle the situation. Of course it will also depend on the other person's reaction to your behaviour. Behaving assertively will not always get you the outcome that you wanted. But even if it doesn't, you will probably feel better for having stated your case calmly and clearly. In general being assertive will have a positive impact on your life. Not only will it make things happen for you but it will boost your confidence and your motivation!

Positive Practice
As with everything, practice makes perfect. The more you assert yourself, the easier it will become. Here is a simple exercise designed to help you assert yourself in any situation.

Firstly, think of a situation where you don't normally behave assertively. Perhaps you're not very good at saying no to frequent requests to baby-sit. Maybe you feel angry when your friend is always late, but you never say anything.

Next, consider your normal response. How does the conversation usually go? What outcome would you prefer? What would you say and do differently to get that response?

Finally, practice and rehearse your new response. It is a good idea to have a ‘dry-run'. Here are some tips you can try:
- Look at and really listen to the other person
- Demonstrate that you understand their needs and point of view
- Tell them how you feel about what has been happening
- Focus on what you want to achieve
- Keep what you say clear and to the point
- Try to achieve a joint solution where you both win

Once you've tried this approach a few times you will find it easier to assert yourself calmly and clearly. You'll be amazed at the results and how differently people start to treat you. Good luck and above all have fun doing it!

Kelly-Ann from Leeds was frustrated.

Kelly-Ann's regular monthly meeting with a colleague was driving her mad. Her colleague always arrived late with without any paperwork prepared. That meant they couldn't make progress and had to spend the time finding data or ringing colleagues for updates. Kelly-Ann had only been in the job for 6 months, so didn't like to mention how frustrating this was. Eventually after her Spring Forward workshop she decided to tackle the problem. She wrote down what she wanted to say and practiced with friends. This was really useful because she was able to change things until it worked better.

When she finally talked to her colleague the discussion went really well. Her colleague apologised for letting her down and the next time arrived with everything they needed. Since then the meetings have been much more productive and they're making good progress.

What Can You Read?

Springboard Workbook by Liz Willis and Jenny Daisley - The workbook for our Springboard courses has the best section ever on assertiveness. If you want one, contact us as we still have some available on special offer.

Springing Forward by Gina Harris and Liza Edwards - The book that accompanies our Spring Forward course has some great stuff on assertiveness. Are you a jelly fish or a jam jar? Contact us if you want a copy.

Teach Yourself Assertiveness by Pat Scudamore and Hilton Catt - Has practical exercises to build your confidence in the way that you communicate.

What's Happening?

We've still got places on the Fresh Steps course in Manchester. It's a great opportunity to boost your career and get your life sorted. It's for older workers, so if you feel like you've been treading water for too long and that time might be running out, it's time to take action. You can book here.

I've got a new hero. His name is Guy Harris. We've been chatting over the last few days about goals and our belief in just keeping going towards them. He has inspired me to get back into training and a deeper belief in my own success. I'm sure that many of you will find his story inspirational. Let me know what you think and best of all email him direct and tell him how his site has helped you. Click here for the link.

In next month's newsletter find out how you can tap into your network of friends, family and colleagues to help improve your life and achieve your goals.