The Positive Part – How Do You Assert Yourself In All Situations?

“If we are basically positive in attitude, expecting and envisioning pleasure, satisfaction and happiness, we will attract and create people, situations, and events which conform to our positive expectations.”

Shakti Gawain, Author of Creative Visualization

Many people would like to change the way they react to certain situations.  Perhaps you’re too passive, or maybe you feel you’re too aggressive?  The way you assert yourself will certainly have a big impact on your life.  It will open or close doors to you.  Simply assessing how you react to different circumstances and tweaking your response can make a big difference.

It’s important that you don’t confuse assertiveness with aggressive behaviour.  If you recognise any of these traits in yourself, then it’s likely that at times you are being aggressive, not assertive.  Do you get your point across at the expense of others?  Do you interrupt people?  Do you try to manipulate people?  Do you have a tendency to be sarcastic, put people down or sulk?

On the other hand, if you recognise any of the following, then you could be considered passive.  Do you keep quiet for fear of upsetting people?  Do you put other people’s needs first?  Do you constantly seem to be apologising?  Are you indecisive or vague about what you want?

Assertiveness is about respecting others.  It’s also about knowing what you want and building up your self-respect.  When you can do this, then you can positively assert yourself in any circumstance.  You’ll be amazed at how differently people will react to you.  Not only will it boost your confidence, but it is incredibly empowering.

Positive Practice Many of us can assert ourselves in some situations, but find it harder in others.  Perhaps you’re assertive at home, but find it more difficult to get your point across at work.  Here’s a simple exercise to help you recognise where you need to be more assertive and to help you start doing it. Write down 3 situations where you’d like to have been more assertive. We’ve all experienced situations that we wish we’d handled with more authority.  Make a list of the first three that spring to mind. Then, think about how you dealt with each situation.  This will help you assess your reaction.  Think about what was said to you, and how you responded. Consider the conversation that you had and think about why you didn’t get the result you would have liked. Finally, take each situation and write down what the ideal result would have been.   Consider what you would have had to say and how you would have had to behave in order to achieve that result.  Imagine yourself in the situation.  What do you look like?  What is the tone of your voice?  What words are you saying?   This is the new assertive you. Every time you find yourself in a situation where you would normally struggle to assert yourself, picture the new assertive you.  Think about your body language and how you should be expressing yourself.  Try to be that new assertive person.  It will take some practice, but the more you do it, the easier it will become. Of course, if you want to become an assertiveness expert then you’ll need the 5 magic ingredients.  We’ve produced a worksheet that’s available on our website that tells you about these in more detail. Go to www.milecastle.co.uk to find it, along with lots of other useful resources.

What Can You Do?

Sunita learnt to deal with her anger positively.

Sunita works as a teacher at the Government Women’s College in Srinagar, Kashmir.  She travels an hour to work every day on a crowded bus.  Her mother looks after her two young children. She shops for the food for her family at the market on the way home and her mother helps with the cooking.  Sunita’s husband is a civil servant. He often works late and doesn’t arrive home until several hours after dinner time.  

Sunita gets very angry at this and for years she brooded and said nothing.  It was eating her up inside and starting to affect the way that she interacted with her students and family. Then she attended a Springboard course and learnt about different ways to handle her anger.  Now she simply channels her anger into active sewing and housework when he is late. This made her feel so much better that eventually she told her husband about getting angry and although he didn’t really see why his lateness was a problem, as his dinner was still there, he does now apologise when he comes in late.  Although, within her culture there is very little that Sunita can do to change her husbands behaviour, Springboard helped her feel that she had more control over how she dealt with it.

What Can You Read?

Drop the Pink Elephant by Bill McFarlan Assertiveness is about finding ways to say what you mean. This book has 15 strategies to help you do just that.

Stop Blaming Start Loving by Bill O’Hanlon and Pat Hudson.  Sometimes we are at our least assertive with those we care most about. This book will help you state your case without losing your cool and precipitating domestic crises.

The Self Esteem Workbook by Lynda Field.  How do you behave, are you a victim or a doormat?  The quizzes and exercises in this book will help you towards more assertive responses.

Say What You Mean  - An article from a family services site giving you tips on using the “I” statement

Tips from my Blogs this month:

Being Yourself

Lost words

How do you want to feel today?

What’s Happening?

When I was in Kashmir last month our Springboard speaker was an inspiring woman who started a charity 10 years ago. The charity helps widows and orphans who are living in poverty in this strife torn corner of India.  She initially set it up with cash donated from the pockets of her friends. They are doing very important work helping women to become financially independent and helping orphans to get a real start in life.  I am looking into ways that we can help them and when I know more I’ll tell you all about it.

While I was in India I stayed with Usha in Pahalgam, a high hilll station in a beautiful vally at about 2500m in Kashmir.

 

 

 

Who do you know who works in local government in the North West of England, particularly those working in HR/Training?  At the end of the month I’m running a Fresh Steps Programme for Older Workers together with North West Employers Organisation (NWEO) in Manchester.  It’s an opportunity for ANYONE to experience the programme, and local government employees get a discount.  If you are thinking about running Fresh Steps in your company why not attend and check it out risk free before you set up an internal course?  You can sign up at the NWEO website here or ring NWEO on 0161 834 9362

And finally, I’m going to BBC Radio Cumbria soon to record some “Thoughts for the Day”.  These are short snippets of positive thinking that are broadcast during the breakfast show.  They will be based on some of my thoughts that you have been reading in BlogPositive.  I’d like to do more work like this so if you have any ideas or contacts then please let me know.

In next month’s issue of Positive Energy we’ll be taking the subject of ‘assertiveness’ one stage further and learning how to use your new found assertiveness to greatest effect.  If you can’t wait a whole month then you can get regular support through BlogPositive.