Positive Energy - How Do You Assert Yourself?

October 2006

Dear Mark

Welcome to October’s edition of Positive Energy from Milecastle Consultancy.

This month we’re going to be looking at assertiveness. Do you find it easy to assert yourself in some situations, but not in others? I’m going to share the five magic ingredients to being assertive with you, so you can apply them to any situation. You’ll be amazed how easy it is and what a difference it will make!

Don’t forget that if you want to read back issues of Positive Energy they are all available on mye website at www.milecastle.co.uk.

Please keep your comments and success stories coming in. I love hearing from you. You can email me or call me on 01697 747 821.

Best wishes,

Assertiveness often gets bad press. It’s wrongly associated with aggressive behaviour and bullying. But you can be assertive without being loud and interrupting others.

The ability to assert yourself will have a dramatic difference on your life. It will help you deal with difficult situations, it will make your communication far more effective; it will help you feel better about expressing your feelings and because you feel properly understood, it will really boost your confidence levels.

Being assertive without being brash or aggressive is about respecting other people and building your own self-respect. There are five magic ingredients that you need in order to be assertive in any situation. Here they are:

Listen – You need to take on board what is being said. The other person will only pay attention to you, if they think you’ve taken their argument on board.

Demonstrate understanding – Show that you think you know how they’re feeling by summarising their point of view. Don’t just say “I understand” as that isn’t demonstrating understanding.

Say what you think and feel – Don’t let the other person second guess how you’re feeling. Banging doors, screaming and throwing tantrums will not help. Make sure you communicate your position clearly and calmly. Don’t be tempted to leave out the feelings bit.

Say what you want to happen – Decide what your goal is and communicate it clearly. If you ask for the maximum, then you have room to negotiate.

Reach a joint solution – If there still remains a gap between what you want and what the other person wants, then you have to work out a joint solution. If you’ve achieved the other four steps calmly, then coming up with an agreeable solution shouldn’t be too hard.

Read on to find out how you can apply these five magic ingredients.

Many of us can assert ourselves in some situations, but find it harder in others. Perhaps you’re assertive at home, but find it more difficult to get your point across at work. Here’s a simple exercise to help you recognise where you need to be more assertive and to help you start doing it.

Firstly write down situations in which you want to become more assertive. Perhaps you want to put your needs first for once. Maybe you want to tackle your landlord about repairs, or would like to ask your family to tidy up after themselves without nagging.

Next write down how you currently deal with each situation. Consider when you usually decide to confront the situation and how you go about it. Ask yourself what is the usual outcome and what would I like to achieve?

Finally apply the five magic ingredients to each situation. Take each of the ingredients outlined above and write down your new assertive approach. Imagine yourself having the conversation and picture your desired outcome.

Once you’ve tried this method out a few times, it will start to come naturally. Before long you’ll be approaching all situations and potential confrontations with a new calm, assertive approach.

Sarah Blatters from Dodworth tackled the boys night in.

Sarah had lived with Joe for 3 years but felt left out when his mates came round to watch sport several nights a week. She wanted to spend more time alone with Joe and not have to put up with a house full of loud and drunken friends late at night during the working week.

She wrote herself a script for what she would say to Joe and asked her brother to help so she could practice dealing with how Joe might respond. After practicing she felt more confident and talked the issue through with Joe on their next cosy night in.

Joe was shocked to discover how left out she felt and phoned his friends straight away to make different arrangements. Sarah felt really good about herself for dealing with the issue assertively and this has had a positive effect on her relationship with Joe.

Ferl First. How assertive are you? Visit this website, click on the Assertiveness Quiz and complete this simple online quiz to get a rating.

Teach Yourself Assertiveness by Pat Scudamore and Hilton Catt. A great little book with loads of hints and tips.

Super Confidence by Gael Lindenfield. This book is a good self help, step by step guide to changing the way you think about yourself and how to change your behaviour

Counseling Center. More assertiveness advice from a US university counselling team.

We have two very special things to tell you about this month.

Firstly, are you a woman working in agriculture, trees and timber or horticulture production, based in South Yorkshire around Barnsley, Doncaster, Rotherham or Sheffield? Or do you have friends or relatives who fit the bill? If so, we have a women’s development package on offer in South Yorkshire that is heavily subsidised by the EU, so it will cost you less than the price of a meal out. Places will be given on a first come, first served basis.

If you can’t take advantage of this offer then don’t forget ANY woman can attend our programme in Carlisle, starting in November. We have already received enquiries from around the country for this, so get your applications in quickly. Alternatively, contact us about bringing the programme to you.

Information about these offers and other courses is available on our newly redesigned website. If you don’t have web access then give me a call on 01697 747 821 and we’ll talk you through the opportunities available to you.

In next month’s issue of Positive Energy we’ll be taking ‘assertiveness’ one stage further and learning how to use your new found assertiveness to greatest effect.

Milecastle Consultancy Ltd
Tel: 01697 747 821 Email: sue.hewitt@milecastle.co.uk Website: www.milecastle.co.uk
Milecastle Consultancy Ltd, 1 Rose Cottages, Gilsland, Brampton, Cumbria CA8 7AP